Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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