then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
