U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
