I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
