I faked an abortion last night.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
