I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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