i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
