Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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