Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
