I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
