Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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