there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
