So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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