It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
