At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
