Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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