My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
