I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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