So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
