how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
