did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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