Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Randomize
