OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
