I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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