Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
