Don't make out with my wife yet
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
