I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
