Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
