pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
