All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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