I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
