So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
