One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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