k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
