oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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