I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
