Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
