i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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