It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
