I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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