And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
