I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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