he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
