moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
