I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
