i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
