My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
