Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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