i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my phone needs a breathalizer
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
