Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
