you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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