Nicole vs. Life
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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